Fear

Every night until I was ten, ghosts or bad men hid under my bed or in my closet. Fear ruled me and made me hate bedtime. We had no nightlights in the 50s, just buck up and shut up. By day, I knew I had strange abilities, and I felt reticent about talking so I had no real friends. Fear made me boring.

At eleven, I decided to eradicate my fears. Each day at school, I picked a girl to study, then copied her communication habits. On the weekend, I mimicked my older sister’s friends. I joined cheerleading and learned to shout, then joined the musical ensemble and sang from the back of the stage. At church, I volunteered for everything and at the YMCA I took every class. In high school, I joined clubs and set boundaries as I fell in love with lots of boys.

In college, I stayed a loner, but I sang, swam, and explored. Instead of parties, I studied actors in movies on little TVs in dorm halls. I rode my fat wheeled bike alone in the countryside and looked at how people coped outside my bubble. After college, I took a job as a flight attendant. Every month for three years I vacationed in different states and countries, and pushed myself to have adventures.

You get the picture, but let me tell you, eradicating fears never totally stops. I’m proud it doesn’t cripple me, but now my old lady bones and odd sudden worries want to hold me back. Youth and beauty no longer grease the wheels of travel, but I map out my itinerary and go anyway.

Fear is tricky and it’s not fun. In the dentist chair last week, I discussed vacations with the hygienist and how things might go wrong. She agreed that things happen but we should try to recover. My last trip, a year ago in Ireland, found me stuck for an extra week in a Covid isolation hotel.

This year I wonder if the fairies in Scotland will hold me hostage. But hey, I’ve never seen a fairy. Oh, and by the way, look for me on the news because I plan to record the Loch Ness monster. The reporters will eventually leave me alone, and I’ll return to find Big Foot. This should be fun. I’m not afraid of either of them.