The Things You Think You Want

George Gershwin is my favorite songwriter. His mother Rose wanted him to be an accountant, but at sixteen, he dropped out of school to play music. “How wrong can a mother be?” she said.

At five, I was asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” A shy child, I looked to my mother. “I’m a nurse. It’s a good job.” So I answered, “Nurse.”

At eleven, I wanted to be an Olympic track star. I ran faster than all the boys, but in 1962, my school had no girls track team. I switched to years of cheerleading and loved it, but I didn’t make the varsity team. That night I cried, my dream shattered.

The next day at musical try-outs, the drama teacher made an announcement. “Is there anyone here who plays a sport? Any cheerleaders? You can all leave now.” My cheering loss led to leads in the musicals and a chance to sing the National Anthem with the band at a football game. Way better.

On Thursday, my ten year old piano student Sarah said, “I have to tell you a two minute story. I didn’t make the A team for soccer. I’m on the B team.” I told her I thought she didn’t really want to grow up and play soccer for a living, and it might have opened a spot for someone who did. She admitted she loved acting and singing, but only a little more than soccer.

We all have a list of what we think we want. It’s a fluid list, so the best thing is to stay fluid in our desires. “Take what comes,” my grandma used to say. Or as I say, “Take it easy…or any way you can get it.”

Fear and Intuition

Sickness and death surrounded me these past few weeks. I’m 65 so it’s to be expected that friends will pass through this life into another. As those I love disappear off the earth, I will be brave. The weight I lost from worry means more ice cream and cheese, and I will eat. When someone I admire gives up the fight and commits suicide, I must accept.

I cut some daffodils from my yard and put them into a gorgeous cut vase, and this morning my throat tightened from their pollen. I should have let them be. They would have lived longer to enjoy.

It shouldn’t be so hard to let go, but it is. I need to work at a wave goodbye and a sense of acceptance.

I’m still happy, so don’t worry about me. My firm belief in optimism and in the flower shoots that spring from the earth will carry me through. Negativity is now behind me. Pessimism is fleeting and I won’t be afraid, since fear is a trapdoor that stands in the way of intuition. I won’t fall down that rabbit hole and neither should you.