As soon as I get used to one change, it seems another one happens. Because I’m 75, which seems to be ¾ of the way to dead, I constantly assess my life and choices. Am I right to think I should move to a nursing home at 87? Should I wait until 90? Or should I stay in my beautiful paid-off home until my kids start bossing me out of it?
Friends are a big deal for all of us. The problem is that so many of them drop off. One friend wanted me to do a trivia night with her and “win one for the team.” I had to let her know that I could do multiplication of double numbers in my head, but trivia is impossible. The answers would come to me in the middle of the night or the next day, not within one minute. She got so frustrated with me. Of course, we all have different brains. Mine works quickly but not with facts that I don’t care about. Friends come and go. If we are suddenly not important in their reality, then it’s best to be gracious and let go. My mother, Lorna, told me, pay attention to the ones who like you, Janice. One time that led to a date with an autistic man who snorted and grunted through a movie at the theatre, but mostly it’s served me well.
My intuition is useful with decisions. Today it says, why do you have to decide now, whether to live where you are or move? So apt. The only thing I have to do is to keep cleaning out my junk. Don’t have a yard sale like my sister did, to make her feel crazy. Just head over to the secondhand store on the weekend and give it away.
I keep thinking there is something I can actually do to stop the bumps that keep arriving on my skin, that itch and burn. But it’s a result of my radiation treatment for breast cancer, and the doctor told me it could be a year of that. So I must settle into that as my reality. I decided on a treatment for one part of my body, which messed with other parts. Just like all my decisions, they aren’t clear cut.
I must settle into my life. I have to rest more and be astounded that my old body can’t keep up with my mind. That I can’t work four jobs anymore. That I can’t eat ice cream more than once a week. That seven cancer doctors said don’t drink any alcohol ever again. Oh the thought of life without champagne is a sad one.
But I will not let anything keep me from being an optimist. I have a new grandchild, a girl this time. I can buy princess dresses for her in the future. I can take her shopping for back to school clothes when she’s older. She might like candy land for more years than my grandson did.
I will remind
myself of the good things and settle into that life.
Posts
